So I find myself back in Edmonton, and after a three month search I am finally about to re-enter the workforce. Everyone thought that by moving here it would be easier to pick up the pieces from the (mis?)adventures in Viking, but it has been slow going. To make matters worse, it was difficult to find a reasonably priced place on such short notice and ended up with a lease that is untenable. To be fair though, things are objectively better than they were in the old abode.
It is nice to be back here, as I hold onto a treasure trove of meaningful memories of this city. There is so much potential here, not just with finding a job, but of being part of a lively culture and possibly community. I guess that’s ironic as community was a driving attractor to vacate to the small and rural that Viking embodied. I guess a part of me just wishes to put rural life behind me –I’m tired of small towns.
How I imagined life after school was very different from what I currently live with, whether that is bad or not … I think it is neither. Things are just different and trying to judge circumstance as bad or good is a waste of energy, and it is probably the wrong question to be asking in the first place. All one should focus on is what you can do at this very moment, alongside with “what makes me happy?” In other words I should reevalute, or reframe how I am looking at things.
The Climbdown, or the Lessening of Expectations
I think where I am now is the end of a transition period beginning from when I finished school, to where I should be. I had a hard time accepting things outside my control, or even accepting the fact that I had little control in the first place. There was a sense of privilege –or faith– that things should, or would, go my way. In hindsight I was naively optimistic, it was pure hubris and I shouldn’t fault anything or anyone but myself.
Being in university was like being in a bubble, a bubble that made you believe that your life was full of import and you were destined for something greater. That bubble has effectively been deflated, if not popped outright. It wasn’t just being in school though that gave me these feelings; it was instilled into me by people who did their very best to make me believe in myself, and who in turn believed in me.
Not reaching the stars has been a humbling experience. For awhile I felt like I was letting myself down, and all those who pushed me to where I am today. However, I think that phase has finally passed and I am ready to move on to whatever my future holds for me. Of course I will never completely be free of my ambitions, but at the very least I am ready to learn to be more content and accepting.
Perhaps the point was not some grand destination, but a journey to find my self-confidence and to be better than I was. If that is the case … you could say it has been a spectactular success.